Scary Driving — But I Have Seen the New Stig

The Next The Stig Will Be Pink

If you have never seen the BBC show Top Gear, you have missed the best car show on TV. It is a com­bi­na­tion of really stu­pid but great fun sit­u­a­tional “stunts”; celebrity test runs on their track; dis­cus­sion of real cars; some of the worst misog­y­nist, homo­pho­bic, and xeno­pho­bic jokes you will hear (warn­ing: you have to sup­press all sense of appro­pri­ate­ness); and time tri­als of cars, includ­ing the absolutely hottest per­for­mance cars in the world, by their test dri­ver The Stig. The Stig is a secret iden­tity pro­fes­sional dri­ver. There have been at least two The Stig incar­na­tions. The first wore a black rac­ing suit and the sec­ond a white. Since iden­tity of the sec­ond The Stig has now been dis­closed as Ben Collins, Top Gear are likely to be search­ing for a new The Stig.

Well, I believe I saw the new The Stig prac­tic­ing some new dri­ving tech­niques on our local roads just the other day. This time, The Stig will be a twenty-something female stunt dri­ver. I have seen dri­vers dri­ving and tex­ting on their iPhone at the same time before. But the next The Stig suc­cess­fully fol­lowed me off the Inter­state, decel­er­ated from at least 70 mph, exe­cuted the S-shaped exit curve and made the stop, all while not only tex­ting on her iPhone but also apply­ing her eye makeup. She was steer­ing her new 3-series BMW with her elbows and per­haps her knees. She was rid­ing the tail of my lit­tle zoom-zoom so close that I could clearly see what she was doing; and she scared the liv­ing shit out of me!

Since she pulled off this jack-ass move and did not kill either of us, all I can fig­ure is that this was the pink The Stig. Top Gear is the only place to find cars, dri­ving that impres­sive, and that much child­ish stupidity.

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