Death implies the end of something. But there is a character of the end that is hard to identify. Not death of an organism. We can reasonably agree on that occurrence. Perhaps not universally agree on the exact moment of occurrence, but at some point we will all agree that death occurred. But death of a capability is not so easy to define. Was the last occurrence of a capability the last that will occur?
Lately I have been dealing with more than normal stress in my work, recovery from surgery, age. These conditions, and perhaps others unknown, have added to prior difficulties that have made achieving orgasm an increasingly difficult exercise. Not for lack of desire, not for lack of trying, not for lack of coöperation of my dear partner Still Here Too, nor for lack of trying many highly recommended sex toys. There is not a difficulty in achieving erection or sensitivity. It is just an extremely frustrating difficulty reaching the culminating state.
This is a time when the presence of a more than highly understanding and loving partner makes life bearable. This is a time when being in a stable, long-standing monogamous relationship makes life bearable. I have no idea where this state will take me. Honestly I dread my current condition being permanent. I am not ready to live without a complete sexual life even if I can still provide satisfaction to my partner. I am not complete without this part of life.
But is this really death of the orgasm? When is the last occurrence? I must keep trying … the alternative, to curl up in a corner and wither away, just does not feel very enticing.
Is Still Here
You are a very remarkable man to be so open about an issue so private, I hope this starts an important discussion.
It is trite to say that it’s not the end that matters, but the journey, when we’re talking about sex, they’re generally equally important. It’s small comfort, I’m sure, to accept this will be temporary when you’re living through it.
I have had my own struggles, due to medication, in maintaining desire and arousal, much less orgasm. There really is very little that makes a person feel better when the basic adult bonding experience becomes dysfunctional.
I’m happy your beloved partner understands. Most women have struggled with their own orgasm issues, so I’m sure that she can relate to what you are going through.
It’s ironic that orgasm is itself has been referred to as “a little death.” Let’s just hope that your situation resolves itself sooner rather than later.
Thank you again for sharing so much of your personal life so that we readers can engage in an important dialog.
I have been going through this with my husband since his surgery. Apparently it’s a common part of the healing process — you need to get well and your body shuts down functions that are not crucial for your survival. Also, I highly recommend Real Happiness by Sharon Salzberg. She talks about how the real situation can be much easier to endure if you can look at it without all the emotional add-ons. Thanks for posting your experience. I didn’t have the courage to do so in my blog.
geezer-chick,
Yes, the issue was indeed one of recovery. However, as I wrote in the followup post, also one of mental stress from worrying about the issue. As I speculated in the followup, just writing about the issue seemed to help. I am pleased (OK — very, very pleased) to report that the act of writing about the issue did indeed relieve much of the stress and I well on my way to fully functioning recovery.
Being able to write about such topics in this blog has been very helpful to my personal wellbeing. Hiding behind some degree of anonymity certainly helps. But given the benefits, perhaps it shall not always be totally so.
As always, very good to hear from you,
Is Still Here